Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
