why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
