The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
