Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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