chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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