Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
