I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
