forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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