Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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