Sry I called you an 8
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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