She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
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Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
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dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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