Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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