question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
