cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
