who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
