Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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