Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
