Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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