You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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