Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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