my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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