You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
