There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
