In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
