im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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