Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
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So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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