dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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