my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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