I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
