I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Bring me that man meat
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
