Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
