I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
