I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
