My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
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He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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