I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
