Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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