I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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