There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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