what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
