the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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