she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize