Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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