You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
