i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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