My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
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Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
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Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I forgot wine drunk hurts