Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
