he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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