I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
