if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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