That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
