Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again