She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize