I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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