Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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