Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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