my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
