i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
