What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
