Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
