I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
